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The Secret to Overcoming SELF-SABOTAGE!

©2006 Lauralyn Bellamy, MA, MDIV, Certified Dreamcoach®

 

“It’s happening again!”

“Why do I keep doing this to myself?”

“I know what I need to do to succeed at this, so why can’t I just do it?”

 

Welcome to the Self-Sabotage Zone, that shadowy repository of failed jobs, relationships, diets, resolutions, projects and dreams. We’ve all made deposits there. We’ve spent significant money, time and energy trying different techniques, strategies, therapists, counselors and/or trainers to achieve what we say we want for ourselves. The tons of how-to books we’ve bought, the CD programs we’ve listened to, the workshops and seminars we’ve attended are evidence of our good intentions.

Our self-improvement regimens seem to work – for a while; and then, we start to undermine, forget, neglect and (ultimately) just give up. Worse, part of us observes the beginning-of-the-end pattern of our destructive behavior as if behind a thick plate glass  window. We shout exhortations, warnings, threats, pleading not to do this, again! But it’s as if the self we’re observing is in a trance or unable to hear the observer.

At this point, many of us get distracted and seduced by the power of, “Why?” We live in a culture that has absorbed the psychoanalytical premise that exploring why one behaves destructively will lead to powerful insights into one’s personality that will trigger an emotional catharsis (an emptying out, a cleansing) that will lead to the learning of healthy behavior. So, like Alice catching sight of the White Rabbit and chasing it down the rabbit hole, we jump up and chase after the answers to “Why?!”

Frequently, the pursuit of answers to “Why?” does lead to the discovery of insights that are truly illuminative of the reason one behaves a certain way. When that “Ah-HAH!” moment happens, it often does produce catharsis – the kind of weeping that seems to empty us out, wash us clean and leave us ready for a deep restful nap.

BUT, it does not follow as night follows day that this powerful insight and emotional catharsis lead to alternative behavior that overcomes the problems we’ve been attempting to solve.

WHY?

Gotcha! OK, I’m going to tell you the answer to, “Why?”  Then, I’m going to describe an alternative strategy that will successfully dismantle your self-sabotage machinery.

WARNING: Reading the following information will not empower you to successfully overcome your patterns of self-sabotage. It will give you information that may lead to greater self-awareness and, yes, some significant insights into yourself. However, it is the nature of self-sabotage to survive in its host; it will mutate beyond your ability to single handedly eradicate it. Because it is a product of your personality, it has the advantage of knowing your limitations and weak spots, giving it the ability to anticipate your efforts to destroy it and  mask itself, go underground, lie dormant, or aggressively attack you for daring to threaten its existence. The information you are about to read can only be successfully applied with the assistance of a coach or counselor trained to equip and support you in this life-changing quest.

 

WHY?

First, because the goal you think you want to achieve is not real to you: it lives in the realm of Ideals. Ideals are abstract concepts. They make useful templates against which you can design and measure what you actually use in your life; but, no sane person actually lives in the realm of ideals. The “real” world is your best translation of your ideals at any given moment of your life.

Secondly, human beings are programmed to regard the Unknown as a place of danger, risk, and threat to survival. The closer you come to the Unknown, the Wilderness, the Abyss, the Void, the greater your anxiety becomes until it reaches an intolerable intensity and you retreat to the Familiar. No matter how unhappy or painful your familiar behaviors, relationships and thoughts are; you experience relief in getting away from the unknown. You have become addicted to the need for relief from anxiety. What you call “bad habits” are your mechanisms for numbing your anxiety and, in doing so, experiencing moments of relief.

Thirdly, every campaign you launch to achieve your stated goal enchants you. You enter the world of HOW-TO and experience the pleasure of being swept up into a new life of strategies, schedules, techniques, equipment, and people to transport you to your goal. You are so enthusiastic in mastering How-To that you don’t allow your attention to focus on what will happen when you reach your destination. Your goal remains hidden in the Unknown Wilderness of your future.

 

Fourth, the closer you get to reaching your goal the more intense your anxiety becomes. You only know how to make the journey. You have not prepared yourself to live in the world of your destination. It’s as though you boarded a train that will take you to the Forbidden City, a place you’ve heard wonderful things about. After a while, you’ve begun to worry about the wisdom of going to any place called “Forbidden.”  You don’t know what to do; but if you don’t do something soon, you’ll be there and it will be too late!

Fifth, before you reach your destination, you get yourself off that train! You begin the journey back to the familiar place you started out; except, you’re battered, bruised, and carrying heavier baggage. Self-sabotage is a misguided effort to save your life from the threat of the Unknown.

Now that you know why you self-sabotage, you will begin identifying examples of self-sabotage operating in your own life.

Next, you will glean insights about these behaviors.

And after that? Probably an endless loop of recognizing, interpreting and ruminating upon the instances of self-sabotage; but no longterm, practical changes to achieve success. Unless

To be continued!

Making Sense of Uncertain Times – Workshops for a Change!

Sat., Aug. 15th in metro ATLANTA ~

  2-hr. workshops: choose 10:45AM or 2:00PM 

Photo: Lauralyn Bellamy (c)2009

combine nature-walking mindfulness meditation,

digital photography, journaling & collage to expand 

your access to inspiration, intuition and imagination!

Sharpen your vision of a future worth dreaming about

in this installment of the "Praying in Pictures" workshop series. 

 Photo: Lauralyn Bellamy (c)2007

  • Bring your digital camera (or cellphone camera)
  • Blank journal provided for your images, collage & reflections
  • Art materials supplied, your photographs printed immediately
  • Only 5 participants per workshop
  • Private lakeside retreat center in Roswell, close to GA 400,
  • Tuition only $55; pre-paid registration required
  • E-mail for registration form ASAP to

   

 

 

 

 

OVERWHELMED? DROWNING IN DATA? PARALYZED BY THE OPTION PANDEMIC?

Are you an information junkie?
A clippings hoarder?
A research addict?
 
Does taking action always seem
just a few more variables away?
Are you buried alive in factoids, unable to take action? 
Are you intimately familiar with bouts of OVERWHELM?
 
There is an antidote to this assault on your efforts to remain rational!
It cannot take affect, however, by studying it or reading about it…
You just have to experience it!
 
INTUITION,  when developed, is dazzling in its speed,
wisdom, creativity and usefulness in guiding you into
the right and perfect choice, action, decision, behavior,
relationship, answers for you!
 
The simplest and most immediately practical method of developing
your intuition is learning to "think" in pictures!
 
Experience the exhilaration and vitality of discovering your capacity
to discover what’s "on your mind," and "in your heart" using your
intuition! How? When?
 
"The ART of Making Your Dreams Come True!"
 
Sunday, June 14, 2- 4:30PM in Atlanta
 
Tuition only $45 per. includes all art supplies!
 
Small group & spaces are filling up! Register NOW!
 
E-mail me with subject: "6/14 workshop = [[# of persons enrolling]]"
In message: Indicate whether you want to pay by PayPal invoice or your
Visa/MC credit card (in which case, provide a daytime phone #).
 
This workshop will focus on scratchboard and collage processes.
 
I’ve been leading art workshops since 2001! Come! Meet another side
of yourself whose been dying  to "talk" to you!!
 
 
 
 
 

Facing “Fear, Itself.”

Facing “Fear, Itself!”

©2009 Lauralyn Bellamy, MA, MDiv, cert. Dream Coach® 

 

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

– Pres. Franklin D. Roosevelt’s first inaugural address,

March 4, 1933

 

1.     Fear is real.

2.     Fear is a necessary instrument in our behavioral toolkit.

3.     Fear serves a valid purpose in our lives.

4.     Fear is a messenger bearing vital information.

5.     Fear is to be heeded, thanked and dismissed.

6.     Misunderstood, fear can injure, distort and generally

make a bad situation worse.

 

The good news lies in learning how we were designed to respond to the fact of fear when it arises in our lives – individually and collectively – so that the outcome is beneficial.

 

As the current recession deepens and its impact is directly experienced by more of us, it is critically important that we change the way we think of and react to fear. Think of this article as a condensed emergency manual on how to effectively engage fearful economic situations.

 

1. Fear is real.

 

The fact that our brains are hard-wired to generate the physiological and psychological responses categorized as fear suggests it has a purpose in promoting and safeguarding human life. Everything about the design and function of the human being is organized according to the primary law: survival; and the secondary law – minimize pain and maximize pleasure.

 

If you are experiencing a fear response it is because, on some level, some part of your brain has determined that your survival is imperiled or you are at risk of pain, or in pain.

 

Trying to ignore it, dismiss it out of hand, or defy it may work in the short run; but there will be a cost to our health and happiness in the long run (if one is permitted to enjoy a long run).

 

2. Fear is a necessary instrument in our behavioral toolkit.

 

As originally designed, fear is meant to trigger a behavioral response in us. It is the “starter pistol” that sets us off in one of two races: fight or flight. Either way, it is intended to produce an appropriate and effective ACTION in us: do we engage the threatening situation or remove ourselves from it?

 

3. Fear serves a valid purpose in our lives.

  

Not only does fear serve the universal imperative to survive; it serves as a powerful and creative teacher in our individual and collective understanding of our strengths and weaknesses. As a teacher, fear creates learning opportunities for us to identify and develop our strengths for resolving the threat or crisis that are rewarding.

 

Fear as a teacher is intent upon guiding us into the most comprehensive understanding and development of who each of us is in all our individual permutations, and as a people participating in a collective action or members covenanting to serve the Commonwealth.

 

Properly understood, fear is meant to bring out the best in us.

 

4.Fear is a messenger bearing vital information.

 

The part of the brain in charge of dispensing fear to catch our attention is the oldest part in its evolution, the Limbic System; I call it the reptilian brain, As such, it is the most sensitive instrument for scanning our total environment at a speed and attention to detail that makes the rational part of our brain look sluggish and dull. Long before a circumstance or person registers as a threat on our consciousness-radar, fear is activating alerts in our bodies, dreams, daydreams and moods.

 

When we notice a “knot” in our stomachs, a “tightening” in our throats, skin rashes, chills, headaches, nightmares, seemingly arbitrary moodiness, anxious thoughts popping in from seemingly nowhere – that’s our reptilian brain on a mission!

 

At this point, our conscious brain should begin a collaboration to properly identify, assess and formulate an effective and appropriate reaction.

 

5. Fear is to be heeded, thanked and dismissed.

 

Fear is merely the messenger bringing raw data with some historical background information.  Whatever news it brings, all of it should be catalogued for review and action or disposal.

 

After that, it can either be invited to go back to sentry duty or be a passive observer of the process engaging the rest of our brains: the systematic, rational, analytical in dialogue with the intuitive, creative, risk-taking, expressive parts.

 

If fear intrudes during this part, treat it as a middle-level project manager pointing out potential weaknesses or risks to be addressed.

 

6. Misunderstood, fear can injure, distort and generally

    make a bad situation worse.

 

And, of course, that is what our culture has been doing with fear for the last 100+ years. Fear has been treated as a disease that requires medicating, or an illusion that calls for behavioral strategies distracting our attention away from it.

“Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune so no one will suspect I’m afraid…

“The result of this deception is very strange to tell! For when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well!”

– From “The King and I” by Rogers & Hammerstein

 

  We are taught: Fear is our enemy and we should fear it. 

  The best way to respond to fear is simply ignore it or master it.

 

  It is obvious that in our culture, most of us haven’t mastered the best way.

  Instead, we rely upon liquor, food, mood-altering drugs, shopping and other

  instruments of addiction to  “chill out” and “numb ourselves” in search of

  Oblivion, a hiding place from fear.

 

  Yet, there is good news abiding within our current economic recession!

 

  We have an opportunity:

·        To recognize fear, itself, as a catalyst for changing our behavior;

·        Learning from the decisions, actions (and inactions) that brought us to

            this point; and,

  • Choosing new ways to live and govern ourselves that bring forth the

            best in us;

  • To leave a legacy for future generations of Americans of which we

            can be proud.

  • To be innovative and creative in collaborating with one another to change our response to what is fearful.
  • To regard the experience of fear as a signal to take beneficial action.

 

We have nothing to fear and everything to learn!

 

# # #

 

 

 

If you’ve used “insufficient funds” to excuse you from living, watch this!

One of my mentors, Joe Vitale, gave a presentation in Austin last weekend and decided to make a gift of this :45 min. excerpt available to anyone to watch. I think it’s  valuable. Watch it & tell me what you think! This is a straight link.
 

Have You Forgotten What Your Life Can Be About? Watch this clip!

Question:

What’s the one factor

every single example of achievement in

this 5 minute, life-changing movie

have in common?

Click on this link, experience the thrill

and figure out the answer!

(When it’s over, just click on the "back" arrow to return here.)

 The 212 Movie

 
 

Answer:

 

 

Every champion had a coach !
Every winner among those fields of champions had a coach!
Every one of them had dreams, a plan to realize those dreams, and
the passion and commitment to do whatever it takes to live their dreams!
 

Thought:

I have a finite number of hours in a week in which to work with
a select number of persons who are ready and willing
to face their elaborately constructed self-sabotage behaviors,
learn specifically how to turn OFF their doomsday machines,
learn how to dream the rest of their lives,
make their dreams come true and
celebrate the gift of their lifetime!
 

Question:

Will YOU be one of those people
to invest 12 weekly coaching tele-sessions with me –
one-on-one, or in a small (4-6 people) group –
and learn how to Embody Success! ?
 

To learn more about my 12-session FOUNDATION PROGRAM

Email me at:  Lauralyn@embodysuccess.net

SKYPE me at embodysuccesscoaching: or

Call 678-389-9773 to leave your phone #.

I know you were meant to be fearless in championing

your own life! And the time is

now!

 Lauralyn

 

It’s OK – I Read the Book!

I am SOOOOO psyched! I’ve just finished reading 5 of the best, most comprehensive, first-person accounts of climbing Mt. Everest. It is so inspiring I’ve decided I’m going to climb Everest in ’08!
Yup, going to cash in some stocks, buy a plane ticket to as close as I can fly in; hit REI for some awesome climbin clothes & gear and JUST DO IT!
 
Am I hiring a guide? A sherpa?
 
You’re not paying attention! I told you I read 5 of the best books! They make you feels as if you’re really there! Like, I know Everest like the back of my hand. I’ll map it out just like they wrote it.
 
IS SHE CRAZY? You’re thinking.
 
WELL, OF COURSE! Confusing reading information about a process with mastery of the process itself could prove fatal!
 
But here you are, poised on the cusp of a new year and you’ve got:
  •  your SUCCESS & PROSPERITY! how-to’s,
  • your In-A-Year-I’ll-Be-Married! how-to’s, and
  • the absolutely-cannot-fail, most scientific, easiest diet books everr written

near-at-hand, ready to help you SUCCEED: launching that fantastic business! finding your soul mate! and shedding alllll those unwanted pounds in time for Spring break, Easter vacation, summer at the pool!

Do you have a coach to lead you around the pitfalls, avoid wrong turns, overcome setbacks?

Of course not! You’ve read those books, remember? Which is why 2008 is going to be different from…

OK, subtle I’m not; but assess the psychological, financial and health costs you’ve already paid by your repeated failures to succeed on your own. It would appear to be an investment that would pay ample dividends to hire someone who can guide and support you on your next heroic quest.

And that’s where I come in. My life coaching specialty is teaching you how to dismantle your own self-sabotage machinery while guiding and supporting your achievements!

UNTIL AND UNLESS YOU LEARN HOW TO SHUT DOWN SELF-SABOTAGE, it doesn’t matter how many books, DVD’s, workshops and seminars you take – you will be caught in the wheel of almost there/ start over!

Give your dreams for 2008 the chance to succeed – for a change!

Learn how by contacting me through my guestbook to get detailed info and arrange a complimentary session!

Together, we’ll celebrate the gift of your lifetime!

Faithfully,

Lauralyn